Wavehouse & Thaipusam

Been a lil hectic starting mid week. But its good, keeps me busy keeps my mind off crap. Went club hopping with Steph and her friends on Wed after work and tuition. It has been ages since we last clubbed together, really history; like at least 1 year ++. Was supposed to be home early but ended up staying till morning. Went home to bath and do stuff and I slept for an hour and crap I overslept. So was an hour late for work. Hrm.
Thursday I got back home and thought I would knock out on the couch, but I didn’t surprisingly. I could even make food for dinner, I deep fried some stuff and it was my first time deep frying food since I didn’t have a deep fryer thing at home. (:
Friday was another long and funno day. Knocked off late from work, met Janessa after quite a long time and with Belle and her friends for dinner. After which, Belle and I headed down to Sentosa to Wavehouse! Her friends were there too, and it was my first time Wavehouse-ing. Was there last Friday though, but there was some event for the Haiti Fund Relief so we sorta made a wasted trip but still hung around at the beach.
Wavehouse was awesome fun albeit the bruises and much aches I got from it and it made me feel challenged. Haha. So now, I can’t turn my head properly since my neck hurts and I am stiff like a robot now  and I feel that I need that neck support thingy. Haha. There are some bruises here and there too, but am up for another more rounds of it! Wooohooots!*

Got home, napped an hour and cabbed over to Race Course Road for Paul’s Thaipusam! I met Steph and the bunch. Phew* It was really great that I’ve got their company and that they were really welcoming. Or else, I’ll prolly haveta tag alone or something since I can’t walk with the other gang. )=
But yes, I felt very proud of Paul, really very. And am so happy for him! The walk was about 4 km, we walked barefooted. I think the wait to enter the temple was more taxing then walking. Hoho. So after Paul was done and his kavadi was off, we headed back to Vimal’s place since our shoes were there. Slacked there abit and went to Mustafa area for lunch. I ordered paper thosai and a bandung drink. And woah… the drink was a rip offfff! Can’t help but complain, it costs $3.30 for freaking one cup of it! And it doesn’t even taste exceptionaly nice or even a big cup! But yeh, now I know, I won’t go there ever. Haha. Brr. I headed home after lunch though the rest continued to tour around. Took a bus and luckily there were seats.

So yea. I am thankful to have dear friends talking to me or accompanying me at this point of time. If not really, I could just tear my hair off and go mad.

I am hanging on, trying real hard. I miss him, I really do. I… am still even tempted to go back to him. I just feel too hurt and even numb already. Now, I don’t even know what he wants. His moods swings faster than a roller coaster, he can flip like roti prata. [Yeh, I am trying to sound funny here. Hah.] I don’t know what has become of him. How can you claim you love someone, when all along they’ve been lying, scheming, insulting and do all thats out of the mind? I cannot forget him, I never will be able to. Get over him?… I’ll try. I know I am silly. But… I can’t help it. Shit. I hate myself. I hate myself, for being weak, I hate myself for being on the verge of tears all the time, I hate myself for… so much.

Why can’t I hate him then? I do say it out to myself that I do. But… after a while I’ll realise I don’t feel that way so much. Not that I wana hate him, but I could punch the hell outta him for saying those crap and doing shit to me. And all along, I was so freakingly confident that he is the one. He is so wonderful. It’s alright that he stops me from doing certain things.

Forget it, I know he is still unremorseful. And I should just shut it here.

I should go off to bed. And later I will wake up with that feeling of crap in the heart. Never mind, time will heal. Time is on everyone’s side. I’ll be fine.

New Year

Haven’t got a good start for the new year. Things are still not going well.
I don’t exactly know how to desribe how I feel now. I just feel extremely down and I feel like I am going nuts. Like I am a time bomb which can explode anytime. I feel that every bit of me inside is dead.
I feel cheated, like I have lived a lie for three years. What seemed to be so wonderful has became a a horrible nightmare which I’ll never wake up from.
I don’t know how I am going to get through this.
I am like a goner.

Hell No

Then I realised it was all very one sided.
That I meant nothing at all. Really, just worse than nothing.
I was the shameless one clinging on to every bit of it.
I was never wanted, never.
He could just dump this away, like its just any of his other trash.
I really don’t want to see hate, I don’t want to be blinded by it.
Tears welled up my eyes or I’d thought I could not cry anymore. 
He claims he loves me, he did his best, he wants respect from me,
wants me to do this, wants me to do that.
To blame me. To be nonchalant. To be unrepentant. To be rude.
To keep lying. To act righteous. To do everything that does not help the situation.
These are his ‘best’. These were what he did.
He wasn’t any bit sorry at all.
I want to hurt him so much. But I know I could not bear to.
Because I know to be hurt this way is like being frozen in hell forever.
The heart knows nothing but agony, emptyness and immense pain.
Being the stupid me, this is the 2nd time I am feeling it
and it just got worse.
And he can inflict such pain on me twice and even make it as torturous as possible.
He said ‘taste of your own medicine’.
What did I do?
When I merely did not answer some of his thousand phone calls.
I did not do anything of what he is doing now.
I did not even get any bit of respect from him.
I gave him so much more than he deserved.
How can he see more hate than me?
How can he bring himself to do these when I should have been the one doing it?
I was deceived and so was everyone, and they are prolly still being fooled.
I could just imagine myself puttting a knife through his heart
to how he can hurt mine a slow excruciating death.
Could I do that? I want to. I want to do it so much.
I really want to.
And I think I’ll rather put a knife through my heart instead so it stops
beating for every heartbeat gives me a whole rush of agony.

Stupid Me

Stupid in Love

I left the engine running,
I just came to see,
What you would do if I,
gave you a chance to
make things right.
So I made it even though Katy
told me that this would be
nothing but a waste of time,
and she was right.
Hmm, don’t understand it
blood on your hands,
And still you insisted
yon trying to tell me lies
And I just don’t know why.

Oh, this is stupid, I’m not stupid
don’t talk to me like I’m stupid
I still love you but I just can’t do this
I may be dumb but I’m not stupid

My new nickname is “you idiot” (such an idiot)
They’re telling me let go,
he is not the one.
I thought I saw your potential,
Guess that’s what made me dumb.
He don’t want it,
not like you want it,
scheming and cheating,
oh girl why do you waste your time?
You know he ain’t right.
You telling me this,
I don’t wanna listen.
But oh, you insist on repeated
you’re trying to tell me lies
And I just don’t know why.

This is stupid, I’m not stupid
don’t talk to me like I’m stupid
I still love you but I just can’t do this
I may be dumb but I’m not stupid

Tryna’ make this work
But you act like a jerk
Silly of me to keep holdin’ on
But the dunce cap is off
You don’t know what you’ve lost
And you won’t realize
till I’m gone, gone, gone
that I was the one,
which one of us is really dumb
No, no, no, I’m not stupid in love

I happened to come across this song sung by Rihanna and found how most parts of it is so very apt to how I am feeling and what I am in now. This is not the full lyrics I only put in the relevant parts.

Yes, I really feel stupid and I think I am dumb. Really dumb to have placed more than 100% of my trust on you. I really did, trusted you whole heartedly never knowing that you’ll lie to me at all. Up till now, you are still clinging on so tightly to your many fabricated stories instead of being truthful.

I still wonder how you can still lie to me at this point of time and not have even a teeeeny weeeeny bit of remorse for your mistakes. You can even make it seem like I am totally to be blamed for this break up. I hope the dunce cap is really off my head. Surprisingly, I still love you Jerk. I really do. And it’s not the kind of love you have for me, in which you just want control of me, fuck my mind, abuse my emotions, tell me all the hurtful things you can think of and only treat me proper when we are on good terms.

I can’t take it. Gosh. Someone, just take my mind off these.
Impossible.

Sweeter than Sweet

Here is a loveletter from a boy to a girl…. However, the girl’s father does not like him and wants them to stop their relationship…and so…. the boy wrote this letter to the girl……. He knows that the girl’s father will definitely read this letter

1 “The great love that I have for you
2 is gone, and I find my dislike for you
3 grows every day. When I see you,
4 I do not even like your face;
5 the one thing that I want to do is to
6 look at other girls. I never wanted to
7 marry you. Our last conversation
8 was very boring and has not
9 made me look forward to seeing you again.
10 You think only of yourself.
11 If we were married, I know that I would find
12 life very difficult, and I would have no
13 pleasure in living with you. I have a heart
14 to give, but it is not something that
15 I want to give to you. No one is more
16 foolish and selfish than you, and you are not
17 able to care for me and help me.
18 I sincerely want you to understand that
19 I speak the truth. You will do me a favor
20 if you think this is the end. Do not try
21 to answer this. Your letters are full of
22 things that do not interest me. You have no
23 true love for me. Good-bye! Believe me,
24 I do not care for you. Please do not think that
25 I am still your boyfriend.”

So bad!! However, before handing over the letter to the girl….the boy told the girl to “READ BETWEEN THE LINES”, meaning-only to read 1.3.5.7.9.11.13 (Odd Nos).

                     

                                        

Cherie showed me this from a website and yes, as you can see… it’s so very sweet! Actually when I read the starting, I immediately thought of how similar it is to the situation I am in. Hoho. Well, if my boyfriend did such a thing, I think I would never get sick or rereading it and will just be touched to tears. Oh wells. Now I suddenly dislike ‘If-ing’.

If this was what really happened, that dude is really witty and it does lighten up their plight abit. It never felt good to be in an ‘underground’ relationship. In fact, it is very suffocating and pressurising, having to lie and hide and lie and lie and lie.

So this shall be my last entry of the year. I don’t feel much of the new year festivity though. Ugh, forget it. Am off. Ciaos.